40 Days...Again
I've practiced on and off for years. Seriously, almost 20...doing the math right now, 17 years to be exact. Yoga. I found yoga when I was 18 and in college. I fell in love immediately with the peace and the way my body felt. My mind and spirit at this time were not as clogged and it was like sitting in my own slice of heaven daily. I practiced 5 days a week at 1-2 hour periods. Talk about serving yourself! Gosh...I wish I never stopped.
But I did. I let life get in my way. Instead of living my life, I let life just pass by. Fast forward to last year. This is now me, at 33 with a 1 year old and in my second marriage that is failing. I am chaotic, high anxiety, and have been at my heaviest so not exactly looking at my physical image well. I am struggling, hardcore. And I am so lost. I happened to come into a little bit of money due to an employment issue that occurred at 8 months pregnant. And I decided that I was going to just do it. I was finally going to get my yoga teaching certificate. So I did. I went, paid, and I was ready to go in July. Heh, heh...how we romanticize things in our brain. Much like motherhood, I didn't know how difficult this immersion was going to actually be. For starters, my now two year old and I had NEVER been apart for that many hours his entire life as we were for the one month program. Here's that dose of motherhood guilt...how dare I be away doing something for myself that long!? His father didn't help with the added guilt of me doing something to better myself. And then, the actual work (spiritually and mentally) that comes with an immersion course. Wham Bam!!! Everything comes up, and it is sitting right in front of your face. And you actually have to deal with it, not just sweep it under the rug. (Come to find out, I had serious birth trauma...who woulda thunk it?) But I DID IT. I didn't miss one day (outside of a day for my grandma's funeral) and I felt accomplished. And I was in a way better place. Practicing every day, studying yoga every day. And now I could teach, I could give back to others and help them find this peace, my truth.
Well, I got back to my daily life...and like it does, I let it get in my way. Somehow I managed to add a postnatal training in there though. And man, do I love working with mamas and babies!!! But in truth, I was missing my own personal practice. I was still leaving a lot out on the table that I could offer women and men due to not practicing what I preach.
Here we are today. I have done a personal practice on and off for now 4 months. And it is time for me to end the ups and downs. I see a huge difference in me when I am practicing vs non practice me. Mood swings, emotional outbursts, emotional eating, attention span and overall sense of peace in my home and in my mind. My anxiety rises to a point where I am not even sure how I am going to add one more thing to my already overfilled plate. And people just keep asking for more from me. It's like I'm drowning and yelling for help, but invisible unless they also need something.
Today I did my entire practice. No babies, no partners in the house. I cleaned my mat. I smudged my space. I opened the window and door to let the stale and negativity that just seems to ooze in my household these days and bring in the light and fresh air. And I practiced. No outside distractions (except blowing my nose...these dang Austin allergies). Inner distractions...all OVER the place, but what do you expect when you honestly haven't practiced in weeks. My only goal was to practice without rushing through, (you can follow my daily journal here), and even that I found to be tough. Will the kiddo be home soon? There's so many things that need to be done today. Laundry has to be folded. Marketing and creating my yoga classes need to be done. When you have time to clear your mind and just be, sometimes all the things will creep in. Acknowledge and release. Then continue to be.
But I did. I let life get in my way. Instead of living my life, I let life just pass by. Fast forward to last year. This is now me, at 33 with a 1 year old and in my second marriage that is failing. I am chaotic, high anxiety, and have been at my heaviest so not exactly looking at my physical image well. I am struggling, hardcore. And I am so lost. I happened to come into a little bit of money due to an employment issue that occurred at 8 months pregnant. And I decided that I was going to just do it. I was finally going to get my yoga teaching certificate. So I did. I went, paid, and I was ready to go in July. Heh, heh...how we romanticize things in our brain. Much like motherhood, I didn't know how difficult this immersion was going to actually be. For starters, my now two year old and I had NEVER been apart for that many hours his entire life as we were for the one month program. Here's that dose of motherhood guilt...how dare I be away doing something for myself that long!? His father didn't help with the added guilt of me doing something to better myself. And then, the actual work (spiritually and mentally) that comes with an immersion course. Wham Bam!!! Everything comes up, and it is sitting right in front of your face. And you actually have to deal with it, not just sweep it under the rug. (Come to find out, I had serious birth trauma...who woulda thunk it?) But I DID IT. I didn't miss one day (outside of a day for my grandma's funeral) and I felt accomplished. And I was in a way better place. Practicing every day, studying yoga every day. And now I could teach, I could give back to others and help them find this peace, my truth.
Well, I got back to my daily life...and like it does, I let it get in my way. Somehow I managed to add a postnatal training in there though. And man, do I love working with mamas and babies!!! But in truth, I was missing my own personal practice. I was still leaving a lot out on the table that I could offer women and men due to not practicing what I preach.
Here we are today. I have done a personal practice on and off for now 4 months. And it is time for me to end the ups and downs. I see a huge difference in me when I am practicing vs non practice me. Mood swings, emotional outbursts, emotional eating, attention span and overall sense of peace in my home and in my mind. My anxiety rises to a point where I am not even sure how I am going to add one more thing to my already overfilled plate. And people just keep asking for more from me. It's like I'm drowning and yelling for help, but invisible unless they also need something.
Today I did my entire practice. No babies, no partners in the house. I cleaned my mat. I smudged my space. I opened the window and door to let the stale and negativity that just seems to ooze in my household these days and bring in the light and fresh air. And I practiced. No outside distractions (except blowing my nose...these dang Austin allergies). Inner distractions...all OVER the place, but what do you expect when you honestly haven't practiced in weeks. My only goal was to practice without rushing through, (you can follow my daily journal here), and even that I found to be tough. Will the kiddo be home soon? There's so many things that need to be done today. Laundry has to be folded. Marketing and creating my yoga classes need to be done. When you have time to clear your mind and just be, sometimes all the things will creep in. Acknowledge and release. Then continue to be.
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